And then even wrote a couple of blog posts about it (here).
And then it sort of dropped off the face of the Earth and I never mentioned it again….
Yeaaaah, about that.
That book – it’s hard for me. It speaks truth straight to my heart. And truth is a hard pill to swallow.
Recently, Emily Freeman began talking about the possiblity of hosting a weekly disscussion of the book on her blog: Chatting at the Sky. And God took the opportunity to remind me that I needed to participate in this. I needed to finish this book… to hear this truth… to let go of my good-girl anxieties and give Him control.
So for the next 8 Thursdays I’ll be linking up and posting my reactions to the discussion questions and the reading in General.
Today, I’m looking at “What I feel pushed around by”
I totally feel pushed by my image – by what I’m perceived to be. When I left my home-church I was more concerned with what people would think of me leaving than whether or not I was actually spiritually growing there.
I’m also pushed around by jealousy. The good girl inside me want to constantly compare me to others – and that green-eyed monster, she’s not so pretty. And she’s not so grace-full. She’s petty, and pouty, and downright mean spirited.
Now that I’ve left my home-church, they’ve quickly replaced me and the programs I loved with new people and new children’s programming and, if I’m not careful, I find myself wishing them ill instead of wishing them the best. The hurt girl in me want the new programs to fail or to falter – as if that would prove that ME, MY programs, MY presence was worth something.
I’m not happy to write that – it’s not pretty. but it’s truth.
It should NEVER have been or EVER be about ME – the programming, the crafts, the games, the lessons, they were never to glorify ME – they were to glorify GOD.
And I know that. But the Good Girl in Me, she sometimes got her worth from those programs – from the praises the programs brought – and she’s struggling to let it go.
If I listen to that Good Girl, she’s screaming for a new way to find worth, a way to be valued. She belittles the value God has for her and instead searches for value in others’ opinions.
There’s a quote in the book that is EXACTLY how I have felt in leaving my church and consequently the kids I’ve been working with, behind.
I sense the Holy Spirit leading my away from that thing or that place of service. But instead of prayerfully considering a change, I struggle and fight against it for fear of what others might think of my backing down.
It took me two years to fully understand that it was time to move from that church. Two years of fighting an internal battle and trying to avoid what the Holy Spirit was telling me. Two years that were far more difficult than they had to be – if only I could have ignored my inner Good Girl and completely trusted God.
So now, now I’m doing my best to tune out my Good Girl and her comparisons. I’ve found a new church – one where I feel community – one where I can really grow – one where I can serve to glorify God, not serve selfishly. And I’m looking forward to the future.
What pushes YOU around? Feel free to answer in the comments, or hop on over to Chatting at the Sky for a large community of “Recovering Good Girls” and join in the discussion there.